When the brain glitches
It's quiet right now inside my head. No thoughts intruding or pulling me away from what I want to say. Just a sharp high sound tickling my ears. Sometimes I wonder if the sound is actually caused in my ear canals. If I plug my ears it is still there.
I notice that complete quiet in my head is not inducive to writing. Usually when I am writing I can feel the character. They don't quite talk to me, but I can sort of see the next steps. Lately I've been having trouble with that.
When my kidneys are not in good health, then my brain is not in good health. Even though I am doing dialysis every day and even though my numbers look good, my creatinine numbers are quite high. I'm not used to having a quiet brain.
Most of my life there has always been something going on there, sliding through my head. Music, words, thoughts make an appearance. Interesting-- not visuals. Visuals only happen in my dreams. I have to say my dreams have been pretty blah and colorless until recently.
A few days ago I dreamed I was dancing the tango in a red dress. My partner was whirling me around. I couldn't see his face because he wore a white mask, but I wasn't afraid. I was exhilerated. Whenever I kicked, I pushed away the old woman who was trying to take away my chance to dance.
I was twirling with the earth-- in the same rotation and I was aligned. It made me laugh with joy. I woke up in tears because I wanted to stay right there in that place, dancing.
Each day I continue with what I did before. I find that a little exertion tires me out considerably. Dialysis generates a lot of garbage. I walk through a long hallway to the elevator and then out to throw it in the dumpster, then I walk back. Just this little exertion makes me want to rest.
The old woman stops me from dancing and running. The old woman is me.