Turn Around, Bright Eyes
I've been standing at the river Styx, grieving for too long. When Otto died I knew that grieving would last at its own time and its own way. Maybe it was disease in my life and maybe it is because time has become a fickle enemy, but it seems like I lost him yesterday instead of seven years ago.
In the last few years, I have been studying chakras. I learned about them when I was in Japan for two years as a sailor. The idea that we had energy in the color frequencies up and down our body had been intriguing. It still is.
When I went through a Reiki class, I was re-introduced with chakras. The seven chakras represent different needs in the body. I would kind of compare them to a Maaslow chart. The bottom chakra represents the primal needs as in food, shelter, and security. When a chakra is closed, then a need is not being met.
I once told a grief therapist that when Otto died, the color went completely out of my world, literally. The skies were a sepia brown, the birds screeched instead of sang, the brilliance of life was dulled. My perception of the world around me lost all color.
Each year the pain is less and each year the colors brighten. Today I am still standing there, not quite sure why he is gone. I wish he was still here with me.
I know that sometimes I come across to others as cold and emotionless. It is not true. There is so much emotion struggling inside me that sometimes it is painful. It takes away my energy and tires me so that I want to sleep. There are times that sleep and dreams are more beautiful than this reality. I want to escape.
But, I am held here for some reason. I need to turn from the brokenness of the past and look at what I have now. I need to pick up the pieces of my heart and begin to love this world as a mature woman and not the immature girl of the past.
So today I will love one thing.