Quiet Darkness

neon darkness looking at the waning stars

This is the quiet darkness, the witching hours, where only one or two cars break the silence, racing down the freeway. This is when the birds are sound asleep with little snores as they hang tightly to branches. Or, or hear the Flickers who cling upside down, clutching at stucco buildings.

It’s been a few months since I have been awake this early, rolling in my bed to find a better spot, whispering to myself to fall asleep, and then giving up hope for an hour or two more. I’m awake.

I usually try to write on a Sunday afternoon. Even the weekly letter that I tried to write to my mom is sitting unfinished on my computer table near my brown over-stuffed rocking chair. I’m slightly rocking in it.

This time the CMV virus has stayed dead. This time the viral load from the BK virus has dropped significantly. This time, cycle three, I wake up feeling I’ve been in a six day illness. I slept hours and hours, but I’m awake.

This time after the course of Valcyte that brought the CMV to negative and dropped my immune system, I gave myself three Zarxio shots. Technically, when the toxins are put in the subcutaneous fat of the body, it’s to stimulate the immune system. I had one a day for three days.

My body shook as if with a fever, but when I took my temperature I was never over 98 degrees. My shoulder joints and elbows hurt. I was so exhausted that I could eat and then fall asleep. I slept for hours and kept water at my bedside, knowing I still had to drink to keep my kidney working. I took tylenol for the pain and benedryl for the histamine affect of the shots.

So I missed my Sunday post.

Reading has always been my passion. I read Ilona Andrews. I like this writing team because the plot to character action is “just right." I have her Kate Daniels, Hidden Legacy, and Innkeeper books. I keep them in my Kindle for times like these—when I need to escape the pain because if I don’t my mental reaction is to be a cranky old lady. I don’t like myself when I am like that.

You can probably guess how much pain I am in by how cranky I get.

Today I know that I have a future. After going through three cycles of run away viruses, I had wondered. Of course I had a chat with God. I have that much hubris. It was more of a scolding. Why would I get a kidney and lose it to a virus? Could he for once let me go through some illness that had a basic get treatment and then heal? Why all of this drama?

Sometimes I have felt that I am a character in someone else’s novel. Yes, I like to torture my characters sometimes. But that doesn’t mean I liked to be tortured. Maybe it is time for my happy ending. Go and interfere in someone else’s life.

I’ve spent too many years dealing with illness. I want to be well now.