Before the dawn
Another year.
Another day. Another minute.
Another set of goals to break. I try to make my New Years goals either so general that they are hard to break or so specific that I get the task done in a month or two.
This year I have two types of goals. Here are my general goals of the year:
Be kind and love myself
Create
Say yes more often
My first general goal, be kind and love myself, is a challenge for me. Long ago, in the 80s when I first went to college, I forced myself to be better by saying "dumb, dumb, dumb" and hitting my forehead. I grew up in an atmosphere of "if someone else has done it before than you're not a genius stupid." With that attitude and of course with no support or money, it is easy to see that I dropped out of college after only a couple of semesters.
It took me several years to gain self-confidence to go back into that environment. When I did at 38 years old, I became the top student of my graduating class. It took years to realize that denigrating myself in this way was not being humble. It was just sabotaging myself.
I have worked hard to change my programming, but I still have to remember that I am an intelligent woman who has accomplished much.
My second general goal, create, is even more general. If I am not writing, then I am crocheting or sewing. I even bake once in awhile. I would like to write more. When I first went on dialysis, I hadn't written much in two years because my brain had slowly been filling with toxins. Dialysis has been a life-saver for my brain. I keep reminding myself to write, but a lot of medical stuff and exhaustion has been barring my writing.
I have no excuses now. I am now on the kidney transplant list and am waiting my turn. I am less tired than I have been in years. So I have to remind myself that it is better to write than to play games. It is too easy for me to fall into the gaming habit. Yes, it is fun. No, it is not what I want to do with the rest of my life.
My third and last general goal, say yes more often, speaks to one of my general structures. My first reponse to any request whether it is going to dinner or visit a friend is to say no. Saying no is one of my defense mechanisms that has saved me from heartache and sometimes danger.
But saying no has also stopped a lot of opportunities. Maybe I will hear someone out before I say no. These last couple of months, I have said yes more. I have looked at the positive more and opened my heart to the potentials.
I did say that I have a list with more specific goals. I won't be giving those away. I usually do a State of the Writer post, but not this year. I am going to work on the stories that I have been trying to write for a long time. I'm saying yes.