Autumn Musings
I'm still dragging from the medical appointments of last week. I keep telling myself that the goal is almost in sight. I'll get the pre-qualificatons done and then I'll be waiting for a kidney.
For the last few years it has been hard to see past dialysis. I knew that I was rushing towards dialysis in 2003 when my kidneys failed big time. I have coaxed and babied my kidneys until last year when I ended up on petroneal dialysis. For the first time I am seeing past kidney transplant.
Maybe I'll be less attached to a machine and more able to go places. I miss the ocean and the beach. It is more than that word "miss." I yearn to set down on the beach with my feet in the water, listening to the waves hit the rocks and being sprayed by the oncoming waves.
It is the movement and the water that impresses me. I have sat near a lake and even kicked my feet in the water, but it doesn't draw me back like the ocean.
In my minds eye I walk at the edge with my dog Foxy. She tiptoes throught the water and gives me those big brown eyes. She doesn't like that much water or even rain. It would make me laugh and I would pick her up. Maybe try to acclimatize her to the water. She would resist. She's a senior dog that knows her mind. So I'm seeing a future again. It's been twenty years since I saw past where I am now.
It is unusual for me to be goalless. I don't plan to the tiniest detail. I do it in broad strokes. After I had been out of the military for a few years, I decided to finish a goal that I had had on my list since I was six years old. I wanted a college degree. I was 38 and older than most of the students there. I think I did better because I was more mature and knew how to absorb the material. This was after I had been an electronic technician in the Navy.
Navy training is very compressed and stressful. We did an entire two year degree in a few months. I was out in the field in a specialty in two years. Then a few months working with another tech before I was considered good enough to take a shift on my own. Within two years I was training other techs.
So when I went back to get a degree, I knew I could do it. I personally think there are too many "non" major classes to get through. So many of the students didn't know how to write a paper or do math. Some of the newer students didn't get the background they should have gotten in elementary school. Needless to say, I smoked my classes and ended up as the top student of my graduating class.
I do love to learn new things.
Unfortunately, I had that twenty year hiatus that killed my natural ambition. It was disease and it was the medications.
But, if I had not gotten ill, I wouldn't have written fiction. If I had not gotten ill, I would have gone into teaching or some type of adult education.
If you know me now, you wouldn't think I would have the courage to stand in front of strangers and teach a subject. But then, the world was at my feet and I could do anything.
It's a different world and I'm a different person.